this one is a killer. the feeling of superiority. That itching in your mind. it's like a diabetic type illness livable with, but still closely watched. The constant questioning, the ability to morbidly sift through words, commas, head tilts, eye contact, posture, sentence structure, phone activity, and subject matter in seemingly instances marvelling at the paranoid image before you. you investigate and, sadly, you always seem to be right. so then you fight inside yourself. "Am I just being paranoid again?" "but last time, and the time before that, it wasn't just paranoia. you picked up on it." This three way direct battle resounding in a crowded cluttered arena of millions of other Mini skirmishes, my mind going awry. contradicting itself. my imagination seeping into my morality, my mortality slipping into fantasy and my loves, my fears, my dreams, my memories clash. fighting battles that predict the future. form my actions. then those results enter and pick their fights. cluttering and cluttering. all around the one i ponder now. is it me? am i crazy? or am i just impossible?

we can talk about the mind in terms of health. let's consider some things. anger is the pathogen. unexpected. lingering. you can't shake it though. you don't wanna go to the doctor for it, but maybe you should. you're just too afraid of the diagnosis. justified or not? vengance is the beckonning of your primal rage. that insticnt deep in your mind, down in the depths of your blood. it calls on you to take physical control. clear the path so to speak. worst of all is jealousy. like a plague. a nuclear attack. it's the closest thing to insanity the sane ever feel. it's a panic, a nausea, a fear, and unsettling beyond description. it takes control. parasitic. it determines your speech, the glares you give, and smoothers your smiles. the warmth of your heart falls victim to these overwhelming symptoms. you become a mad scientist, your craft molded by paranoia and fueled by distrust. you're always looking for a cure or a trigger to pull. to shoot yourself with a justification for your illness...or you just create one.

power structures

ok this one comes from an interesting source. i had all my icp albums on shuffle and the song "Ninja" from the "Tunnel of Love" EP (good ep as well) comes on. I hadn't heard it all the way through but the beat caught my ear so I stopped surfing the web haha to listen to what Violent J was spittin'. So the whole song is about J's phantasy of having the fighting skills and ability of a romanticized movie-type ninja (ie seemingly unbeatable, never caught or punished, other worldly). The thing is he frames it all these situations where some one of certain social circumstances could viably find a sense of justice in this glorified violent action. It makes you think of social justice. Is it a natural inclination to feel a want for physical punishment on those who seemingly over step certain social bounds? Moreso I found the power dynamic interesting. basically J wants ninja powers just to be able to act without fear of circumstance. He yearns to erase the social stigma of repercussion associated with gut reactions to strike. mainly he is talking of a power to always know you can overcome the adversary. no longer is the person you wish to physically harm a threat to you. you wish to already have confidence in your power over another. the physical power dynamic (which i believe is a natural urge), i think plays a large roll in how people interact with one another. i'd be more likely to go after a few assholes if i knew my ninja skills gave me absolute advantage over them. so is fear and uncertainty part of social teaching or is almost like a natural check on our violent natural side? since we cannot have absolute ninja power over each other (with such fantasized confidence) we have varying degrees of intimidation causing ripples in social settings and how people treat one another. so the ninja thing sounds awesome right? but doesn't it threaten natural justice? but damn it feels horrible to not be certain of control...the contradictions roll on